have you ever been loved?
i’m sure this question seems so basic, but i’ve been sitting with it for a couple of weeks. of course, the answer is yes – we all have experienced love though our understanding of it may not have always come from the healthiest place. upon reflection, i realized that while i’ve had a handful of amazing relationships, many were unfulfilling because they lacked freedom. my childhood experiences informed me that the way i showed up was “too much,” so i learned to be measured and convinced myself that it was safer that way. i was captive to self-imposed limitation.
growing up, i was the most outwardly affectionate person in my family. i’d greet my elders with excitement, hugs and tons of “i love yous” and i was often met with confusion and discomfort. they didn’t know how to show love in the ways i needed because they seemed to believe that vulnerability of any kind was a sign of weakness. this makes sense to me now, but as a child, i felt rejected. i didn’t have a safe space to share my feelings because doing so was often considered an affront and punishment of some sort would often follow. i picked up the habit of internalizing my feelings.
much of my twenties were spent presenting watered-down versions of myself and burying my emotions. it seemed that by playing it small i became more palatable. i attracted friends and partners whose best offering of love was emotional unavailability and the bare minimum which i accepted because i saw potential. these people became projects – i believed that i could lead them to their fullest selves and that in return, i would be rewarded with gratitude and the love i longed for. what the fuck was i on? some bullshit, obviously. instead of dealing with what was happening in me, i subconsciously decided it was easier to “fix” others and in doing so, i perpetuated cycles of sadness, disappointment and anger. eventually, all cycles must come to an end. when i found out i was pregnant, i knew it was time to break out of the one i was in. i wanted to free myself so that my child would grow up knowing what it means to be whole. of course, i had to master the final round and ultimate challenge: marriage.
because i am currently in divorce proceedings, i will not be disclosing details of my experience. what i will say is that in marriage, everybody’s ugly shit comes out to play. in some cases, the good outweighs the bad. in my case, well, there were a lot of things that looked beautiful on the surface but were ultimately not sustainable due to what was happening underneath. we tried, but i was over it – i was over playing it small, over being disappointed, over depleting my emotional resources with little return, and over feeling sad and angry. i chose to walk away, i chose myself, i chose my son, and little did i know i was also choosing love.
i went into therapy in 2017. it would mark the first time i had a space to voice all my feelings without fear, guilt or shame, and the first time my feelings were regularly heard and reflected. finally, i had learned that it was okay to be my entire self and that whatever energy was cleared in response to me doing so was energy that needed to go. i have since been discovering parts of myself i didn’t know existed, pouring love into the parts that have needed my attention and magnetizing beautiful experiences (and people) into my life.
love is freeing. most of us are not taught that and some of us never experience that freedom. it’s no one’s fault… we’re all out here figuring shit out. it is, however our responsibility to investigate the ways we block our blessings and to evolve. only then can we truly love and be loved.