a healthy slice of humble pie
what’s up, y’all? it’s been a minute! since my last post, some cool things have happened: i was featured in a commercial for target, collaborated with laundry day to highlight black women and emotional wellness in a series entitled soft & well, bottled and batched my own florida water and i’ve taken some much needed time for myself. building a career, raising a toddler, maintaining relationships with loved ones, navigating legal shit, and all the newness of this year started to catch up with me – my body begged me to rest. i finally listened and am so glad i did because trying to do and be all the things got heavy and exhausting. whatever load you’re carrying, please put it down from time to time so you can rest, breathe and hydrate.
anywho, you know that old expression “everyone you meet is your mirror?” lately, i’ve been sitting with that and having a good cry/laugh. there was a time when the only way i would accept that i was someone’s reflection was if the qualities being mirrored were those i found to be “beautiful” – no one could have convinced me that i was reflecting “shitty” behavior.
me?! the person who has spent years healing and shedding… i reflect behavior that i loathe?! issa whole joke…
well, i’ve recently discovered that the joke has been on me. i am now accepting the harsh reality that even though i’ve grown plenty, i still mirror “ugly” shit sometimes – not that i believed i was done growing, per se, it’s more like i believed that i’d resolved some things and shed what was unnecessary only to find those same things resurfacing in other areas. oh, and i’d also adopted qualities i once frowned upon.
a conversation with my beloved is what brought me to this awareness. she was addressing my lack of communication – we were supposed to meet up at a function and i failed to inform her that i was running hella late to said function. instead of immediately acknowledging her feelings, my error and meeting her with an apology, i attempted to deflect and distract from her frustration. naturally, she called me out. it took a while to process what had occurred, but when the reality of my behavior finally sunk in, i was mortified.
truth, fairness, accountability, and honesty are valuable qualities that i strive to embody at all times, and i surround myself with others who share these same values. admitting that i had fallen short was already a humbling experience…. admitting that i was mirroring past experiences was even more humbling. you see, when i was married, one of my main complaints was that holding my husband responsible for his actions was essentially like starting a war. accountability was a bullet he’d regularly dodge and in turn, he’d load up his weapons with deflection, lies and other forms of manipulation, and shoot me all the way down. the shit was hurtful and often left me drained and defeated. here i was doing the exact thing to someone i care about. i was mirroring old, unwanted behaviors. needless to say, i had a good cry.
after giving it more thought, i realized that i have learned and displayed other unhealthy behaviors along the years, and that my relationship wasn’t the only space i had been spilling toxic waste. there were other strained relationships that needed to be watered. i’ve since been cleaning up the mess i’ve made by reaching out to friends/loved ones i’ve hurt or taken for granted, and apologizing for my actions. i’m even apologizing to people i have no intention of reconciling with solely because sometimes it isn’t about reconciliation, it’s about owning your shit and acknowledging the impact it had on others.
there is so much more unpacking to do when it comes to how i identify myself and others (ego). what i will say is that we’re all out here doing our best with the tools we were given and the cards we’ve been dealt. if you think you are above or beyond some shit, have a seat (or several) and look at/listen to those around you. whatever you like and dislike about someone more often than not lives within you, and that person is reflecting back to you “the good, the bad and the ugly.” and if you’ve been hearing the same thing over and over in different spaces, there’s likely some truth to it. are you willing to take a look in the mirror and address the things you know are working against you? or would you rather be wrong and strong? if you choose the latter, know that on the other side of that decision is a healthy slice of humble pie waiting to be devoured.