overcoming addiction
while cleaning my home the other day, i noticed that i was kind of all over the place so i decided to take a breather. my girlfriend happened to call me in that moment and upon hearing about the anxious and scattered energy i’d been carrying, she invited me to unpack further. i didn’t know exactly how to articulate the feeling but once the words finally began to flow, i was able to identify what was happening – i was experiencing withdrawal.
after years and years of living in a perpetual state of fight or flight, my mind and body became addicted to a drug called fear. in the last four years, i’ve done a lot of internal work to understand the severity of my condition. talk therapy helped me to identify the trauma from which fear emerged, emdr helped me to process traumatic experiences in a way i never had before (i highly recommend emdr to anyone seeking treatment for ptsd, anxiety, or other mental illnesses).
what i’ve learned is that in the absence of danger, my mind does its best to re-create trauma and convince me that it ain’t safe in these streets. i am aware that as long as i am breathing and there is no actual threat to my safety, there is no need to react to a perceived threat, yet there is a part of me that subconsciously craves a hit of that cortisol, adrenaline and glucose combo. the subconscious mind is programmed to re-create that which is familiar even when the familiar no longer serves us. active reprogramming of the mind creates space for that which is divine.
becoming aware of the role fear addiction played in the past has offered clarity and the gift of choice – i get to choose how i respond to triggers. duh, right? i know. it took a while, but receiving the gift of choice was game-changing and helped me reach new levels of accountability. i’ve since allowed softness, fluidity, and vulnerability to replace rigidity and as a result, i’ve been experiencing peace for the first time in years.
peace has entered the building stirring shit up talmbout “yes, it’s me again. and i’m back… wooooo!” my mind and body are shook… they’ve been like “elle girl, you know we live for the drama. who tf is peace? we don’t know her.” i’ve had to gather them real quick and let them know she lives here now. it’s been challenging and great.