my soulstice superpower
(press play)
self-inflicted pressure has been a major source of anxiety. over time, i’ve learned to blame my stress on external circumstances because looking inside proved to be too overwhelming, and inside was full of shit i wasn’t ready to name or unpack. over the last couple of months, i’ve had conversations with real ass friends, my real ass lover, and my real ass mama – some of these talks were hard and one in particular followed a very tense moment that illuminated the role control has played in my life. turns out, i’ve displayed some controlling behaviors. i decided to sit with myself and inquire where that may be coming from.
this year has been one helluva ride with highs that reached the heavens, and lows that made my stomach drop. the highs outnumbered the lows, yet the lows were so unexpected and extreme that i began to feel powerless. i now understand that the moments in life when i have felt out of control are the moments i’ve questioned myself…. blamed myself, even. why? i equated the feeling of powerlessness to failure, and the sense that i had “failed” uncovered deep abandonment and self-worth wounds. this activated a need to “do” things in an effort to transform unexpected/undesirable outcomes to more favorable ones. *enter controlling behavior* when i was successful at “doing,” i felt victorious, as though i had righted all that was wrong in the world. but in choosing to give energy to/manage things outside of myself, i failed to address fully that which was truly in need of transformation and healing – those aforementioned wounds.
many things, circumstances and people in this life beg for our attention. after exhausting myself trying to tend to all, i’ve fallen…. but i rise with awareness and a new superpower: minding my black ass business. tending to my business allows me to experience peace, joy and love fully…. this is the hallmark of victory.
new mantra: “i only give my energy to shit i can control.”
peace to durand bernarr. ♥