waking up from the spell

in september 2015, i met a man whom i’ll refer to as ‘brian.’ i spotted brian chowing down on the corner of carlton and dekalb. he was a server at madiba and was clearly trying to eat something before getting on the floor (i was once a server so i know all about that pre-shift meal scarf down). some friends and i were pulling up for drinks and after watching him tear his food up for a few, i walked by and asked cheekily “is it good?” he looked up and nodded his head with a smile. little did i know he would end up being our server. as soon as i learned that, courage flew out the window and nerves took over. i’m notorious for flirting and scurrying off before i actually have to do anything about it. my friends know this about me and made it a point to act like big ass kids at the table. anytime brian came to pour water or take an order, they’d giggle or nudge me… the only thing left for them to do was say to him “my friend likes you.” at some point, i excused myself to go to the restroom and at that moment, he walked up to me and asked me my name. he was gentle, kind – and bold. after chatting me up for a few, he placed his hand on my hip and said “i’d like to kiss you, can i do that?” initially, i was taken aback but then i thought to myself, why not? i was getting ready to move back home to cali in a couple weeks and i didn’t think i’d see him again. “yes,” i replied, “you can kiss me.” never did i imagine this kiss would turn into a full blown relationship or even a marriage.

the more time we spent together, the more i was drawn to him. we went on adventures i’d never imagined going on from climbing big rocks at joshua tree, to snorkeling, to swimming in the plunge pool of costa rica’s montezuma waterfall – it was a dream i did not want to wake up from. i learned i was pregnant in march of 2016 and put my music (which had been gaining momentum) on hold. by september that year, we were married. we had a small wedding in a secluded area near the water at prospect park and invited guests into our home for a celebratory feast. it was beautiful! the night was coming to an end and our guests were leaving – all but one, brian’s best friend who i’ll refer to as ‘andy.’ andy was in pajamas and walked past me to brush his teeth and i couldn’t have been more confused. i later learned that my husband told andy that he could crash at our place… on our wedding night… our wedding night. needless to say this was one of many sobering moments.

maybe i’ll write a book someday detailing the entirety of my experience. but until my divorce is finalized, i’ll be leaving out bits to protect myself in court so excuse the gaps.

it’s october 2016 and my baby shower is approaching. brian’s mother bought up many of the items on my wishlist. his parents had also gifted us monetarily. after a while, brian eventually revealed more about his background. he spoke about the many properties his parents own and shared that both of his parents were doctors with ivy league education – his mother, a retired pediatric neurologist and father, an active anesthesiologist and patentor who’s grandfather was an admiral in world war 1. brian himself was an ivy league graduate with a bachelor’s degree in africana studies and zero debt as his parents paid out of pocket for his education. he came from wealth, something i never would have guessed. he almost seemed ashamed of his background which i never understood, but of course i wouldn’t have – white/wealth guilt is not a familiar experience.

my baby arrived in november 2016 after three days of labor in our brooklyn apartment. i was so grateful to be able to usher my son earthside in the company of my loved ones. brian and i had already had some minor issues at this point, but our son’s arrival seemed to calm things between us for a spell. my mother spent a couple weeks with us to help. it was help i never thought i’d need. she cooked, cleaned, educated me on how to care for myself, it was great. brian’s mother came to visit not long after and offered to support us in a way that would allow us to focus on our family and turn our dreams into careers without stressing over finances. what a blessing, or at least that’s what i thought. brian was against this idea at first, but eventually, we accepted her offer.

i was committed to being a dope mom and wife. i put my music endeavors on pause and focused my attention on helping brian develop his own sound and stage presence, introduced him to people in my network that he went on to work with, and encouraged him to study yoga and become a teacher. i was invested in his development and in my mind, i thought it would be great – he’d establish his career while i stayed home with baby and once the time was right, we’d put baby into daycare then i’d get back in the game. that was the idea i had in mind, but that idea didn’t really see the light of day.

though our relationship looked good on paper, there were many insidious things lurking beneath the surface that no one knew about except for my mom and a few close friends who experienced it by proxy. i often felt alone, unheard, and vilified. these feelings mostly surfaced whenever i dared to speak to an unmet need or frustration of some sort. marital counseling did not work. petty fights eventually turned into explosive arguments and that is when it became clear that the healthiest decision i could make was to exit the marriage.

in may of 2018, i traveled alone to toronto to clear my head after one of our quarrels. it was the first time i’d been alone for longer than a few hours in two years. it was refreshing and grounding. i felt alive. i called brian’s mother to seek counsel and understanding – i often reached out to her because i figured she knew her son best and since she’d had what appeared to be a successful marriage, i thought she’d have wisdom to offer. she offered nothing but hope for the best. i told brian i wanted to separate after my conversation with her. when i returned home, i learned that a check brian’s mom had gifted me was stopped – thankfully, i hadn’t attempted to deposit it because i’m sure the fraud department would have been quick to find out why my black ass was attempting to deposit a cancelled check that was written out for some thousands of dollars. that could have landed me in serious trouble with the law. that was the moment i became aware of what i was dealing with.

i loved my husband. the idea of growing old with him and having a traveling, creative family was once so enticing. i desperately wanted us to get over the hump and i hoped for so many things that never happened and were never going to happen. i knew i would have to grieve, but i was not prepared for the fear that surfaced – the fear of confronting the financial piece.

at that point, i was totally dependent on brian and his family. i’d taken some freelance work in our marriage and separation, but nothing paid a substantial amount. i wasn’t having success returning to retail because many places either wondered about the time gap on my resume or required complete flexibility that i did not have. i eventually found a weekend job that was somewhat helpful, but then brian started getting booked for work on the weekends. we didn’t have many options for child care so when he’d get booked, it meant that i was giving up my shift at work to care for the baby. eventually, giving up the shift i was hired for caught up to me and that job was compromised. i was devastated and didn’t see how i could make it on my own. i was convinced that i needed brian to survive.

between 2018 and today, money went from being an incredible gift to a horrible weapon used as a way to exert power and inflict pain. i was the perfect target. i was emotional, anxious and suffering from lack mentality. i’d get all worked up over brian’s antics, telling myself how unfair it was that i had to struggle while he gets to coast through life pretending he doesn’t have money. then i isolated that thought, pondered it and had an epiphany: i was under a spell. who cast the spell, you ask? i did.

i realized i was giving brian and his family far too much credit and willfully handing over my power. reflecting on the opportunities that presented themselves to me reminded me that it was i who magnetized said opportunities. though there have certainly been challenges, there has been no evidence of suffering. the needs of my son and i have been met and will continue to be.

it has taken some time to arrive at this awareness and i’m so grateful to be here. now that the spell is broken, i can share that what we give attention to increases in power and while there’s still much unlearning/re-learning to do on my end, i intend to continue focusing my attention on abundance and gratitude.

whatever spell you’re under, i pray you awaken. you absolutely have the power.